Aetius Dux britannis salutem:
I do not know which of you wrote that letter, but I send this reply in the earnest hope that you will insert it somewhere appropriate. A grex of disgruntled woad-dodgers looking to betray their own country is not going to impress me. I am not playing your game. In fact, I will copy this letter to King Vortigern and let him put you where you should be, which with the wild beasts is in the arena, if you still have those.
Forty years ago Britannia left the Empire, and things have changed a but since then. We have moved on even if some Romano-enthusiasts like you refuse to do so. Get with the rest of your nation, for goodness sake.
The last lot of Britons I saw called me a ‘Hun-loving Moesian bastard’, before I hanged them. Let’s be clear about this: we East Europeans work hard to do the jobs you lot turn you noses up at, and if we can slaughter Franks and Saxons, so can you, you lazy stulti.
You had your Britanniae exitus – we asked you three times to reconsider and three times you killed the magistrates sent to give you the protection of the iron boot of Rome on your necks. You have never been part of the Roman Project. You never stopped speaking Welsh and we never accepted any of you unwashed savages in our ranks.
Britain is finished, forever. Gaul, Raetia, Illyria, Moesia – these are the places with a future, but Britain post exitibus is nothing, and will never amount to anything. Your name will be forgotten.
As for your ‘groans’, this idea that the Saxons are going to take over your island and destroy you culture, well it sounds like the old Celtic Replacement conspiracy theory to me.
Now, the Picts – no one nose who there are these days. They’re not going anywhere.
The Scotti: I’ve advise you to let them in. They will pour south, so just let them take charge of everything important, leave them to it and they’ll get it running smoothly again. It’s only the ones left in the north you need to worry about, if they think they’re the only Scots on God’s green Earth. The Hibernii too: you know they have a coming-of-age ritual, that every youth reaching manhood has a bag packed ready to move to Britain. You’ll learn to love them, even if the favour is not returned.
And the Angles and Saxons swarming over the sea – they’ll never amount to much.
Tomorrow I have a battle to fight over at the Campis Catalaunicis, but after that, be assured that I will pay a great deal of attention to ignoring you.
Ualete et i in malam crucem.
- To Aetius thrice Consul, the groans of the Britons
- Quarrel of a dying empire poisoning modernity
- Brexit moment 1688
- Brexit moment 1714
- Gaius Cassius and Cingonius Varro
- On the Ruin of Britain (Parts I and II) (‘De Excidio Britanniae’) by Gildas
- History of the Britons (‘Historia Brittonum’) by Nennius
- SPQR: A History of Ancient Rome by Mary Beard
- The Dream of Rome by Boris Johnson
- A History of Ancient Britain by Neil Oliver
- The Age Of Arthur by John Morris
- The Confessions – St Augustine
- Augustine: Conversions and Confessions by Robin Lane Fox
- By Tacitus:
- By Suetonius:
- By Virgil:
- By Thomas Hobbes: