The official letter comes from the Foreign Office:
“Dear Mr Trump, your current troubles are a cause of concern, and so the British Government will offer you political asylum in the United Kingdom. I asked the Permanent Secretary where we would hope to see you: he replied “asylum”, so we will offer just that.
Being guilty as hell has never been a bar to the grant of refuge here. And if sacking the American Capitol were considered a shocking act, we would have to tear down a number of stautes to our heroes of 1814.
Your forthcoming trip to London, ostensibly to attend the High Court, is a good cover.
(I should warn you about what to expect in the High Court. A dispute between two Americans over an American contract for an event in Moscow is not unusual, but may raise eyebrows. It is understood though that the world brings its disputes to London as its courts insist on impartial justice and will not allow the lawyers to behave as if they were overacting in a low-grade Hollywood movie. You will find that quite a contrast with the courts you have been spending all your time in.)
You are entitled to take up British citizenship when you arrive, as your late mother was a British subject. There is, I understand, a small cottage where she was born, and you would be welcome to take up residence there, in the Outer Hebrides – indeed we would be glad if you do.
According to the polls, you are likely to be beat Sleepy Joe easily and be elected as President of the United States next year. At that time you will still be a wanted criminal in several states and so will need to stay in Britain. You need not worry – the American Embassy to Battersea was completely fitted out to function as a replacement White House for when a president is displaced by foreign or domestic enemies. All we would ask is that you do not use this to imply British support for anything you do, and that you do not check too carefully in the flowerpots by your desk or behind the covfefe machine.
You may still speak to your supporters from Cyberia – until we get a Labour government, in which case expect frequent power cuts.
On your arrival I will personally ensure your safe conduct to the asylum system.