What’s that Skippy? A judgment from the House of Commons Privileges Committee?
Outback in Westminster a strange court assembles, attended by hopping marsupials. Stern they are on the bench, carefully chosen impartially from across a spectrum of political opinion – Tories who hate Boris, Socialists who hate Boris and a Snoopy, who hate everyone but themselves.
‘Bonzer turn-out, guys. Now, let’s get on with what we’re fer – to chuck Boris out o’ the House. Now, before we get on with sentencing the politically deceased, I mean the accused, how to do we this? Eh, Bernard, didn’t your mate write a trial scene for the telly we could copy for all due and proper procedure? If it’s good enough for General Melchett, it’ll do for me.
I tweeted the result a month ago, so we just have to fill in the bumph to make it look as if we thought about it.
I must remind you of the seriousness of our proceedings: that this is not a court of law – that would require boring evidence. No, this is a court of politics, and we know our duty, to whack a smug bastard the way the public demands for what they imagine he’s done.
Let’s face it the facts wouldn’t convict Boris of so much as farting in a bar.
So, first up, who here on the blue team expects to get re-elected next year? Carter, Costa, Walker – you’re all out, so you you’ve no need to worry about being deselected, and need something to your names to make a mark on an otherwise pointless career. What’s that in your hand, Walker? A note from Boris by the look – καὶ σύ, τέκνον: dunno what it means, but stick another month on the ban as a result.
Here comes Skippy with the Report in her pouch. I took the lib’ of writing it for you, so just add your names.
Strewth Jenkin – put yer didgeridoo away, mate! We know yer career’s over so knife the boss good ‘n proper will yer? While yer here though, tell us what would have happened in Number 10, from your experience of lockdown parties. That wild, eh?
Boris wants to put in a defence? It’s a bit late, mate. It’s all irrelevant anyway: we are not interested in what happened – just in what the news headlines said had happened.
So, while he’s talking, let’s vote on the ban. I’ll start the bidding at 10 days – do I hear 20? I have 20, do I hear 40?…