Sturgeon: Scotland has its own, distinct coronavirus

Nicola Sturgeon has clarified that she is taking different measures from the civilised world because Scotland has a different coronavirus.

She insists that Scotland has an independent epidemic with distinct, Scottish characteristics, and that attempts to impose the same lockdown rules as England are a colonial mentality which do not take account of distinct needs of the Corona-Caledoni.

The First Minister insisted the ‘the English disease is not for us: we have developed our own coronavirus disease with no help from the English – they did not even offer to help.’

She points to the difference between the new Scottish coronavirus and the English disease, as she calls it: English COVID-19 causes pneumonia, fever, coughing fits and lung damage, while the Scottish malady causes shortness o braith, coch an’ fiver. Deaths of the diseases are only 2,000, while Mr Johnson’s disease has killed 30,000 in England – which is all due to the toughness of Scots and the foresight of her government in ensuring an independent disease for Scotland, and certainly not because Scotland’s population is half that of London’s.

‘Independent diseases are the way forward for Scotland’ she says. ‘We should not have to wait to receive whatever is left over across the border. We have scientists working on the project constantly: Scotland was once the foremost centre of medical science, and soon it will rival China for the development of deadly maladies.’

In a wide-ranging speech, Nicola blamed the current position variously on the English, the Tories and the English Tories and insisted that the disease the Scotland has will be handled according the specific need for Scotland to keep voting for her party.

‘The English’, she insists ‘are beginning to reopen their society, but we will stand firm to ensure that the petty rises in unemployment seen there are beaten by wholesale economic re-adjustment in Scotland. It must not be forgotten that the economy in Scotland was tanking long before this epidemic, and if we can stay the course, the people of Scotland will understand that their collapse into poverty is the result of a disease sent to us by the English, and nothing at all to do with having the levers of government in the hands of a group of obsessive numpties.’

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Author: faykinuise

Superheroine reporter, legend in her own bathtime, who never lets a lack of facts get in the way of a breaking story