The list of candidates keen to captain the RMS Titanic is growing. Such is the struggle for the wheel of this famous empty vessel that observers are concerned there may be no one in place in time to take the blame. In the meantime, the ship is swinging wildly, always to port.
Candidates for the peaked cap include:
- Rebecca Long-Bailey: not afraid to confront icebergs head-on, insiders hail her as Corbyn without the personal charm. Unlike Captain Corbyn though, she has had a proper job. Of the double-barrelled Labour aristocracy, Long-Bailey brings a whole new take on the workers’ movement. She is ready to take command of the Titanic and will ensure she takes the economy to the bottom with the many, not the few.
- Keir Starmer: escaped charges in Operation Casement, a former Director Public Prosecutions appointed by Teflon Tony as his clone. Looking over his shoulder for that file of dodgy decisions waiting to emerge. Named after the Labour hero Keir Hardie, he has surpassed his namesake as even Hardie never sailed to Germany to sell British interests to the Kaiser. Starmer is a man who has brought unity, because as a Blairite Euro-fanatic he is hated equally by Momentum, the moderates and the working man. The front-runner, naturally.
- That other one, who told Corbyn she’d “stab him in the front”: the Nice One we all suspect is a shy Tory. Doesn’t hate enough to sustain Momentum.
- Lisa Nandy. No, no idea either.
- Clive Lewis. Nor him.
- Lady Nugee: serves below decks under the pseudonym ‘Emily Thornberry’. Jeremy Corbyn’s neighbour. Lady Nugee is familiar as the bossy headmistress. Her achievements are legendary: she has championed every policy which made Captain Corbyn loathed, but is still despised by Momentum as right-wing. Will be sure to embrace the iceberg’s offer to join it.
The next steps take place in the spring. The voting follows a complex procedure, which concludes with where Momentum adding up the number of people, classes, cultures and races each candidate hates, and the top score wins.